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The PURRfect Computer

Welcome to the wonderful world of the CAT v. 7.0. If you properly care for your CAT, it will give you years of loyal service. Many users get a second unit, to enjoy the ability to run complex simulation games. Please use this handy manual to keep the unit purring.

The CAT User's Manual

CAT v.7.0: Completely Autonomous Telepurronics

Manufactured by MOMCAT

System Design Specifications:

  • User Friendly
  • Mouse Driven
  • Self-Cleaning
  • Energy Saving Standby Mode When Not in Use
  • Self-Portable Operation
  • Dual Video and Audio Input
  • Audio Output
  • Auto Search Routines for Input Data
  • Auto Search for Output Bin
  • Instant Transition ( 2 nanoseconds) Between Standby and Full Power Mode


A suitable transportation case should be used for transportation to the operating site. Failure to properly ship the CAT unit may result in loss or damage to the unit and/ or serious injury to the end user.

Installation Procedures:

Upon receiving the CAT unit, the user should examine the unit to verify that all I/O channels are operational. Look for minor bugs in or on the system. Bugs are indicative of the MOMCAT production environment. The user may manually remove any bugs.

The may be placed in direct sunlight. CAT units are operational in all axes: standing, sitting, or laying down. If all basic environment requirements are satisfied, the CAT system will produce a slight hum. This is normal. A new CAT should not exit the primary site facility. Some users never let the CAT unit auto-exit the site. The advantages are longer unit life and fewer bugs. Contact with pirate CAT units may lead to virus infection. If allowed to exit, fatal errors may occur. If you decide to let your CAT out, it should have a READ_ME.TXT file with a system address and URL which identifies the host site. Your CAT should have a system name. The name may need to be reinitialized repeatedly until the system can read it correctly. This lets you issue voice commands to bring the unit to an online state. Many owners give their CATs a secret password as well. You can also get the CAT's attention by booting the system. While this is effective, it is discouraged.


At present there are few productivity applications for CAT. MOUSE is a killer app. This is pre-installed. Most owners use thir system for game game playing. CAT's play best when they are new. Older units suffer a system timing decay which leads to reduced response and flexibility. Some CAT games are:

  • CACHE. The CAT will CACHE a data string. Similar to the K9 unit game, but the object must be smaller.
  • JUMP. Move the data sting through the air. The CAT unit will reach new hights of operation.
  • MIRROR. Place unit in fron of a mirror and watch it attempt to parse itself. Some units may ESCape. Reboot the system by calling it's name.
  • CHASE Played between two CAT units or a CAT and a K9 unit. Units take turns as one is the data and the other attempts to parse it.
  • DANCE and SING Offer fishy data code to elict a range of audio output.


CATs will self-recharge. This takes 20 hours in a 24 hour cycle. CATs are self cleaning and require little user maintenance. Do not clean the unit with alcohol or benzine-based solvents. This may lead to a violent explosion. A CAT unit should be taken once a year to a VET for systems checkup. Do not attempt to open a CAT. There are no serviceable parts inside. If a unit emits unusual smells or sounds, it should be serviced immediatly by a VET. You may examine the CAT system to determine if it has has a male or female SCSI port. If the port is male, then the CAT may emit a nontoxic aerosol. The VET can remove this component. CATs with female ports are plagued by periodic heating problems. The VET can fix this permanently by removing an internal part. Such systems should run UNIX.


CAT systems are normally user friendly. However, in a certain documented situations, a CAT may pose a danger to the user. Repeated jamming or obstruction of I/O ports may lead to deployment of auto-defence systems. Never attempt a first strike on a CAT system.

The manufacturer is not responsible for injuries to the user. Children should not poke anything to into the CAT's I/O ports. CAT may BYTE. In dry, cold weather, a surface electrostatic charge may build up. To avoid electric shock, stand on an insulated surface. Do not operate CAT above water. This may lead to end-user damage. Carry the CAT firmly. Do not swing it by its "tail".

Lifetime Warranty:

The CAT unit is guaranteed against catasphic failure. Nine coupons are included.

Contacting CAT Technical Support:

Our highly trained technicians are ready to help you. As soon as they wake up from their naps.

Offices at: Spiritual Plane # 23 Christianity Desk (555) 682 - 9777

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Product Review:

Wife. 1.0

Last year a friend of mine updated Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other applications.

He is only now noticing that Wife 1 .0 is also spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation. though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of application.

Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. He's finding that some applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, PubNight 7.0, and Excuses 5.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before).

At installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-in's such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day. Some features he'd like to see in the upcoming Wife 2 0.

A "don't remind me again" button

Minimize button

An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 to be installed with the option to uninstall at any time without the loss of cache and other system resources

An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which would allow the system hardware feature to be much more useful.

I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems.

Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 2.0 on top of Girlfriend 1.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug which I should have been aware of. Apparently the versions of Girlfriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You would think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now.

To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 1.0 doesn't work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system.  Another thing that sucks -- all versions of Girlfriend continually popup title annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0.

*************Bug Warning*************

Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources

**********Bug Work-Arounds**********

To avoid the above bug. Try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications such as LapLink 6.0. Also, beware of similar share ware applications that have been known to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0. Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.1 via a UseNet provider under an anonymous name. Here again. beware or the viruses which can accidentally be downloaded from the UseNet.

************Upgrade Version************

Although advertised as being Plug 'n' Play,   installing the Upgrade version of Wife 1.0 results in several of the better features of Girlfriend 1.0 refusing to continue working. The supposed compatibility with Fast-Car 3-6 & Ski-Holiday 6.2 is also flawed, and launching these applications results in strange noises and error messages. Wife 1.0 also appears to be totally incompatible with all previous versions of BEST MATE, and some users have reported that continued use of BEST MATE can lead to unwanted sharing of resources and 1/0 ports unless the System Agent is installed as a background task.


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